Matt Abrahams advises people to never memorize speeches. The main reason is that it burdens your cognitive load. When you memorize, you create a "right" way to say something in your mind. Then, while speaking, you are constantly comparing what you are actually saying to that memorized version.

The reason memorizing is so bad is it burdens your cognitive load. You've created the right way to say it, and you're constantly comparing what you wanted to say to what you're actually saying.

Instead of memorization, it is better to have a roadmap, a structure, and a familiarity with the key ideas. If there are specific words or data points that must be precise, it's better to have a notecard and read them directly. This is preferable to placing the cognitive burden of memorization on yourself.

When communicating with people who are not very skilled at it, the best approach is to lead with questions to draw them out. This involves some preparation, as it's helpful to think about what is important or valuable to the other person. Getting them to talk about something they care about is the key to engaging them in conversation.

Once they respond to a question, the next step is to give them space to elaborate. A simple but highly effective technique for this comes from Matt Abrahams' mother-in-law, who he says had a "black belt in small talk."

Her secret... were three words. Tell me more.

Using this phrase encourages the other person to continue, which draws them out and reveals what is important to them. This provides more substance to latch onto and discuss further. The core method is to lead with questions and then provide space for more communication, which is an effective way to engage someone who might be reticent or uncomfortable speaking.

The fear of public speaking may have an evolutionary basis. In early human history, people lived in small groups where social status was critical for survival, determining access to resources like food, shelter, and mates. Actions that risked one's status were perceived as a significant threat.

This sensitivity to status risk is believed to be ingrained in us. Modern situations that put our status at risk, such as speaking to a large crowd or an important boss, can trigger this deep-seated fear.

When it comes to communicating effectively, both what you say and how you say it are equally important. The message itself must be logical and clear, as confusing content reflects poorly on the speaker. At the same time, the delivery—projecting confidence through posture and a strong voice—is crucial for connecting with an audience in an authentic and engaging way.

When a speaker takes the stage, the first question on the audience's mind is often: has this person earned the right to have my time? Many speakers respond by listing their titles and experience. However, Matt Abrahams suggests that audiences don't really want to hear a list of credentials. They just want to hear what the speaker has to say and find a connection.

Instead of leading with your resume, focus on showing the audience that your topic has relevance and value for them. Matt is on a mission to change how presentations begin.

I'm on a personal mission to stop presentations and meetings from starting with people just giving their credentials, telling the titles of what they're saying get us hooked. I tell people it's like an action movie. How does every action movie you've ever seen start? With action.

To engage an audience, you can start with a provocative statement, a question, or an interesting statistic. This immediate engagement is where connection happens. Credibility is important, but it should be demonstrated, not just declared. Matt describes two types of credibility. The first is 'career and college credibility,' the kind you see on a LinkedIn profile. The second, more effective type is 'Costco credibility.' Just like the free samples at Costco, you let people try your ideas. You show your value through the questions you ask and the relevance you bring, which is how you truly build credibility and earn their attention.

Authenticity in communication starts with understanding what is important to you and articulating that value clearly. It requires introspection first to connect with your own beliefs before you can express them to an audience. Many people get so focused on delivering their material that they forget to speak from this firm, connected place.

A major barrier to this is the habit of constantly monitoring how you are being perceived. Matt Abrahams explains that this internal judgment consumes valuable mental energy. He says, "The more we are in our heads, judging and evaluating, the more difficult it is to be present and connected to somebody." This self-monitoring uses up precious cognitive bandwidth that could be better spent ensuring the audience understands the message. This is also why memorizing a speech can be counterproductive; the effort to get the words exactly right gets in the way of genuine communication.

To illustrate how deeply ingrained this self-judgment is, Matt shares an improvisation exercise from his class. Students have 15 seconds to point at objects and call them by the wrong name. Many find this surprisingly difficult. He recalls one student who struggled to call a chair a 'cat'.

I go up, I say, what's going on? He said, I'm not being wrong enough. I was going to call the chair a cat, but a cat has four legs, and a chair has four legs. I'm not being wrong enough. Sometimes a cat sits on a chair. I'm not being wrong enough.

This student's hesitation reveals the internal critic that many people carry. Exercises like this, or even simple games like finding shapes in clouds, help by disrupting the pattern of judgment. They encourage suspending judgment and allowing thoughts to flow freely, which builds confidence in being present in the moment.

This leads to the idea of preparing to be spontaneous. Like an athlete who runs drills to react instinctively in a game, you can practice skills to improve your in-the-moment speaking. It involves shifting your mindset to get out of your own way and trust what happens in the interaction itself, rather than what you're planning in your head.

The effectiveness of public speaking often hinges on breaking a monotonous cadence. A great talk can feel like a song, with an opener, a quickened pace, and recurring melodies and rhythms that keep the audience engaged. This principle of using rhythm to create a narrative extends beyond spoken word. Matt Abrahams illustrates this with a surprising example from LEGO.

The gentleman who runs that group shared with me that LEGO manual designers see the manual as a story, as a narrative. All you're doing is putting pieces together. But what they found is if you put all the same steps in the same order... people have a very different experience than if you give some moves that have a lot of hard, detailed work, some that are simpler, some that are faster. So that rhythm you're talking about builds that motivation, builds that sense of accomplishment. They're looking to bring emotion into the act of building LEGO models.

If emotion and engagement can be crafted in a wordless instruction manual by manipulating rhythm, the same can be achieved in our own communication. This concept is also visible in how we learn as children. The alphabet isn't taught as a flat string of letters but as the ABC song, with its own prosody and inflection that aids memory.

This ties into why long-form audio content, like podcasts, remains popular in an era of short-form content. There's a theory that while people crave rapid updates in visual information, like scrolling through social media feeds, the same does not hold true for audio. Rapidly switching between audio clips can be jarring and disruptive. Our auditory sense requires us to slow down to pay attention, which fosters deeper engagement with continuous, long-form audio. It becomes a soothing and immersive experience, unlike the constant novelty-seeking associated with visual media.

Teaching younger generations requires adapting to their need for frequent changes to maintain engagement. In a two-hour class, for example, it may be necessary to switch between activities like mini-lectures, videos, and partner work multiple times.

This principle of managing information extends to visual aids, like slides. When a slide contains too much information, students stop listening. Furthermore, when a new slide appears, people's attention naturally shifts to the new visual, causing them to miss what the speaker is saying during the transition.

There's a sweet spot for creating effective teaching visuals. A highly detailed and accurate drawing can be overwhelming, reducing learning. Conversely, an oversimplified model with just circles and triangles is also ineffective. The most impactful visuals have just enough detail to represent the key elements without being cluttered. Historically, the medical diagrams that have endured over time are extremely sparse, accurately representing only a few crucial components. A good teacher, much like a great chef, knows how to provide the right dose of information without overdoing it. This requires the ability to be both the teacher and the student simultaneously.

An essential element of effective communication is understanding your audience and their needs. Many people mistakenly define success as simply getting their information out. Matt Abrahams shares that the focus should be on what the audience needs, not what the speaker wants to convey.

It's more about what I need to say so that my audience understands it better. It's not about what I want, it's about what you need.

Achieving this requires research and reflection to properly craft a message. Most people worry about getting their content out and don't think about how it lands. Success isn't just transmitting information; it's about the audience understanding it and being able to do something with it. The goal of all communication is fidelity, which means accuracy and clarity. A common mistake is creating one message and delivering it to multiple audiences without tailoring it to their specific needs.

An exercise of pointing to a mug and calling it something else, like a bulldog, reveals two key aspects of communication. First, it highlights the immense amount of judgment we apply when we speak. It's difficult to call something by a name it's not because we are used to its proper name or we want our new name to be better. Second, the exercise shows how our brains use heuristics, or mental shortcuts, to handle challenging situations. For example, when trying to come up with a new name for the mug, one might default to categories like colors or dog breeds.

Matt Abrahams defines a heuristic as an often unconscious tool used to reduce uncertainty. We use them constantly, like choosing the cheapest ketchup at the store or assuming a brand with many products is the best. While heuristics are essential for decision-making, they can also lock us into a particular way of thinking. This can be detrimental to communication. Matt shares a personal story where a colleague asked how a meeting went. Matt's heuristic for this question was to provide feedback, so he listed everything that went wrong. However, his colleague's soft voice and downward gaze were signs he actually needed support, not criticism. The misstep, caused by locking into a heuristic too early, took six months to repair.

This highlights the importance of being present in a conversation to respond to what's truly needed. Another example illustrates how our brains struggle with unstructured information. A professor once gave a long, detailed explanation to his graduate student, who then had to ask, "Could you be more specific?" The professor realized he had just delivered a list of things to do. Our brains are not good at remembering lists; most people need to write down a grocery list if it has more than three items.

The solution is to provide structure, which is a logical connection of ideas. A common structure used in television ads is problem, solution, and benefit. This format creates a narrative with a beginning, middle, and end, which our brains are wired to understand far better than a random list of points. By structuring information, we increase the listener's ability to process and retain it.

Vague instructions can be clarified by structuring information logically. Matt Abrahams advises against using many bullet points, joking that "bullets kill." Instead, he suggests a structure like "What? So what? Now what?" This approach clarifies what needs to be done, why it's important, and the next steps to accomplish it, making the information easier for others to digest.

Getting real-time feedback is crucial for effective communication. One method involves having the other person take control of documenting key information. For example, having a student write down action items on a whiteboard during a discussion creates a dynamic interaction. It allows them to ask clarifying questions and ensures they have captured the most critical takeaways. For larger audiences, this can be achieved through polls, partner discussions, or virtual reactions. However, this requires building opportunities for feedback into the structure and being present enough to pay attention to it.

To improve communication skills, Matt recommends a three-part process: repetition, reflection, and feedback. He emphasizes that you cannot simply think your way to better communication; you must practice it. For reflection, he shares his personal habit of over 15 years: spending one minute each night journaling what went well and what didn't in his communication that day. Then, on Sunday, he spends five minutes reviewing the week's notes to create a plan for the following week.

The only way you get better at communication is three things. Repetition, reflection and feedback. You got to practice. Nobody has ever thought their way to better communication. You have to do it, you have to reflect.

Another powerful reflection tool is recording yourself. Matt makes his students record their presentations and watch them back three times: once with sound only, once with video only, and then once with both. He compares this to going to the dentist—nobody likes it, but everyone is glad they did because of how much they learn. The best teacher for communication is often watching yourself communicate.

You can learn a lot about communication by observing others. Matt Abrahams notes that he listens to many different lectures, even ones others might find boring, to learn from people's styles. The key is to be open and pay attention. For instance, a kindergarten teacher demonstrated how to stay calm under pressure and facilitate interaction. It is not about copying others, but about getting ideas and seeing different ways people communicate. Skills are transferable across fields. A programmer could learn how to explain their work to end users by observing how a science communicator makes complex biological processes accessible.

When there is a lot of energy in the body, often called autonomic arousal or "fight or flight," it is easier to speak if you allow yourself to move physically. Pacing, walking, or gesticulating helps dispel some of that energy. Trying to sit still and funnel all that intensity through your mouth is much harder. The best public speakers seem to know when to move and when to stand still, working with their natural tendencies rather than against them.

I've seen that some of the best public speakers know when to pace, know when to stand rigid, and it may be rehearsed, I don't know, but they're not running against their natural tendency in those moments.

To overcome stage fright, it helps to remember two things. First, you are almost certainly one of the top experts in the room on the specific material you are presenting. Second, the audience generally wants to learn from you. They are there to gain value, not to critique or watch you fail. Understanding that the audience is on your side can significantly reduce the pressure of the situation.

Movement during communication is beneficial, but it should not be distracting. The key is to be purposeful. For instance, moving during transitions helps signal to the audience that a new topic is beginning. If you are seated, even turning your body at the table can serve as a non-verbal cue for the audience.

A useful guideline comes from stand-up comedians, who have a rule to never walk during a punchline. They stand still to ensure the joke lands effectively. In any communication, there are "punchlines" or key messages meant to have a significant impact. Standing still during these moments emphasizes their importance. Even an energetic comedian like Chris Rock will often stop moving for the punchline.

You never want to walk during the punchline. You want to land the punchline. All of us, when we communicate, we have punchlines, we have things that we want to have land. Stand still during that.

Using movement intentionally can help manage anxiety while also guiding the audience's focus. You can move during the setup of a point, but it's best to remain stationary for the main delivery.

Social media has an incredibly smooth and fast on-ramp to grabbing a person's focus, which is changing audience expectations for how engaging content needs to be. This dynamic creates challenges in multi-generational settings, like the workplace. Older generations often expect relationships and communication to unfold at a certain pace, while younger generations are accustomed to quicker, more transactional interactions. This mismatch can lead to misunderstanding and conflict.

Matt Abrahams notes that many of his younger students struggle with the initial, slower work required for relationship and trust-building because they expect things to happen fast. He coaches them to appreciate that people have different ways of connecting and processing information. For example, a person who prefers a phone call to hear someone's voice may be frustrated by someone who only communicates via text.

It's helping people appreciate the time spent up front can lead to the exciting and in depth connection that comes later.

To be more at ease communicating in new environments, a simple strategy is to just be friendly with people. This can be as simple as asking a barista how their day is going or striking up a conversation with an Uber driver. Another key approach is to lead with curiosity. Many people dislike small talk because they don't know how to do it, but asking questions and making observations can make it more fluid and comfortable. People are generally most at ease when talking about themselves.

The science of conversation can be understood through the concept of "term taking." A conversation is essentially a series of turns. There are two main types of turns. The first is a supportive turn, where you encourage the other person to continue. For example, if someone says they just got back from Maui, a supportive response would be, "Oh, that's great, where'd you stay?" The second type is a switching turn, where you shift the focus. Using the same example, a switching response would be, "Oh, I just got back from Costa Rica." A good conversation has a balance of both supportive and switching turns. Managing these turns helps the conversation develop and builds trust. For instance, asking an Uber driver where they are from can lead to learning about their culture and even discovering a great new restaurant.

When trying to convey important information, a linear approach that builds a foundation is often best. This is because education frequently involves layering and scaffolding concepts. However, a non-linear approach with multiple threads can be more engaging. A speaker can combine these styles by having a high-level linear journey for the audience while branching off at different points to share interesting details.

Matt Abrahams suggests thinking of a good speaker as a good tour guide. A tour guide sets expectations about the destination, which helps people relax and follow along. This creates a clear sense of direction.

But along the way we can meander, we can wander, we can go check out some things and come back. So as long as people have directionality and everything fits as a larger narrative, I think you can play with either of these.

Many people are uncomfortable projecting their thoughts, even when they possess deep knowledge on a subject. For those who feel anxiety about being the center of attention, the goal isn't to force them into a role they're uncomfortable with, but to find other ways to communicate. One method is to create distance from the fear. For example, instead of a presentation being about oneself and an object, it could be a story about how one came to possess the object. This shifts the focus.

Matt coached a senior leader who was very nervous about speaking to large audiences. The solution was to distract the audience at the start.

He would start by saying, let's watch this 30 second video. And then when the video was over, he became a facilitator of what just happened. So what did you think? What does this mean? And he was much more comfortable facilitating interaction than actually being the center of attention.

This strategy allows the speaker to accomplish their communication goals without being in the direct spotlight.

To foster authenticity, Matt Abrahams shares a variation on the classic show-and-tell exercise. In his classes, he would first have students present an object they brought using a specific structure. Then, he'd ask them to talk about an object they considered bringing but decided against. This second part was far more illuminating. When people weren't trying to present a perfectly architected version of themselves, their natural passion and conversational style emerged.

The conversation then shifts to the necessity of practice in communication. Many people are eloquent in their own minds but falter when they speak. It is crucial to say things out loud to discover where assumptions are being made or where ideas don't connect.

I'm amazingly eloquent in my mind. I'm not always as lucky when I open up my mouth. So you have to actually say it out loud.

This applies not just to public speaking but to any high-stakes conversation, like asking for a raise or giving difficult feedback. It involves anticipating responses and even role-playing. While senior leaders might only practice a presentation once or twice, they should think more like stand-up comedians who rehearse their routines countless times.

Practicing in a vacuum isn't enough; you need to experience it in reality. Matt, who has a background in martial arts, explains that you can perfect a move in the air, but the real test is applying it with a partner. This sentiment is echoed with a boxing analogy.

Shadow boxing is not the same as getting hit and the heavy bag doesn't hit back.

The famous choreographer Twyla Tharp serves as an extreme example of this principle. She iterates a dance routine thousands of times—in her head, by herself, with her dancers—long before it's ever performed for a small audience. This highlights how unrealistic it is to expect ourselves to communicate effectively without dedicated, real-world practice.

Practicing presentations can now extend into virtual reality. Matt Abrahams notes that some VR tools allow you to present to a simulated audience, and you can even program their responses. For instance, you can set the audience to be favorable or to ignore you, which helps desensitize yourself to different reactions. This can be especially helpful for people with public speaking phobias. Some of these tools even let you upload and practice with your slides.

Improvisation is another powerful way to improve communication. It is not about being funny, but about being present and responding to the moment. You can practice this with simple agility drills. For example, pick a random object in the room and give a brief improv talk about it, or flip open a book, pick a word, and talk about what it means. These exercises build confidence and improve in-the-moment processing.

If I can do this when I pick a random word, I can do this when somebody asks me a question that I know a lot about the topic on.

While some adults may feel that such theater-like games are childlike, that childlike curiosity is often what makes for an effective communicator. Matt mentions that at Stanford, improv principles are integrated into serious business courses. They teach skills like adaptability in management and how to demonstrate status and power. By directly linking improv activities to specific communication needs, people become more open to participating.

Certain pieces of communication achieve a legendary status, becoming archival information on the internet. Examples include Steve Jobs's 2005 Stanford commencement speech, Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech, and speeches by JFK. The effectiveness of these speeches, even when read from a script like Jobs's was, comes down to several factors.

According to Matt Abrahams, these speeches are incredibly well-written, poetic, and use rhetorical flourishes like repetition that make them memorable. They were also delivered in a context and time when their messages were desperately needed, connecting with the zeitgeist of the moment. Matt explains:

It's a match of context and timing. It's a match of really important ideas presented in a really important way with specific rhetorical flourishes that really make them memorable. And I think also the character that those people brought to it also makes a difference as well.

It's difficult to recall similarly impactful public communication from the last five to ten years. A primary reason is that our world has become much noisier, with more messages competing for attention. It's harder for a single speech to break through the crowded environment. While traumatic events can create "flashbulb memories," like the Challenger disaster or 9/11, very few non-tragic events achieve a high signal-to-noise ratio that lasts.

Furthermore, people no longer consume information from the same channels, which divides our collective attention and prevents singular moments from bubbling up to universal awareness. Our senses have been dulled by an information landscape saturated with content, similar to how highly processed food dulls the palate. While there are still powerful talks today, such as Brené Brown's TED Talk on vulnerability, few have risen to the same cultural level as the speeches of the past.

There is a Venn diagram relationship between being a good one-on-one conversationalist and a good on-stage speaker. Some skills translate, while others do not. The ability to connect one-on-one often comes down to what academics call immediacy, which is being present and focused. This doesn't always translate to a large stage. However, other skills do carry over, such as having structure, a clear goal for your message, and starting in a compelling way.

The biggest overlap is often in messaging, whereas the greatest difference lies in presence. Some people can command a stage but struggle in one-on-one interactions. The key is to recognize that everyone can improve their communication skills. If you are strong interpersonally but struggle in front of a group, you can use your existing skills as a foundation to develop your abilities in that new environment. Similarly, if you excel on a big stage, you can adapt those skills to improve your interpersonal connections.

There is often a distinct difference in communication styles between neurotypical and neuroatypical individuals. This raises the question of whether our concept of effective communication needs to be adjusted. While there are societal expectations for what makes a good communicator, often rewarding extroverted styles, there is no single correct way to communicate. Different approaches offer unique advantages.

We can learn from the communication styles of neurodiverse and introverted people. For instance, some neurodiverse individuals bring incredible creativity or a high level of detail to their communication. Similarly, introverts possess skills that are highly effective at moving conversations forward. The key is for individuals to recognize their own strengths and lean into them. Rather than trying to fit a single mold, people can become more effective communicators by playing to their natural advantages.

A separate but related topic is the connection between writing and speaking. It's often observed that people who have written a book tend to be comfortable and effective speakers. This suggests that the practice of writing out one's thoughts can be an effective way to prepare for speaking. While direct practice is irreplaceable, organizing ideas through writing can significantly improve speaking ability.

Writing helps people become better communicators through a multi-part process. The first part is the thought process that goes into the writing. It forces you to consider the audience, how different pieces fit together, and if any foundational structure is needed. The second part is the physical act of writing. Choosing specific words and thinking about syntax and grammar creates a more intimate involvement with the content compared to just thinking about the ideas.

Matt Abrahams, a nervous writer but a confident editor, notes that the editing process is also crucial. It trains your brain to be ready to respond to questions and to focus information. These steps of ideation, crafting, and editing all contribute to better communication, and the skills can be applied even if you aren't writing a book.

This applies to creating presentations as well. One speaker shared that they prepare scientific talks by building the slides themselves, a process that requires intense focus. They explained that building the slides, including the illustrations, is an important part of preparing the talk. Simply cutting and pasting figures is much less effective. Matt refers to this cut-and-paste method as creating a "Frankendeck."

People accumulate different slides and slam them all together. Like Frankenstein was an amalgamation. There's no story there. There's no thought process that ties it all together.

The act of creating the slides is a manifestation of your thought process, and that is what makes it such a useful preparation tool.

A story was shared about a colleague at Stanford from a Pew fellows group. This group was comprised of very serious people from diverse fields, creating an intimidating environment. During a presentation, this particular colleague, instead of showing data, chose to play a video of oil droplets bumping into one another accompanied by a song that corresponded to their movements.

The initial reaction was that he was either crazy or simply didn't care. However, he then explained how he was using sound to develop novel molecules. This same person later won a MacArthur genius award and developed incredible low-cost medical tools, like one-dollar microscopes and centrifuges, for diagnosing diseases in underfunded areas in Africa.

This experience was eye-opening. It demonstrated that someone with true command of their material and a unique vision can use something seemingly vague, like a video that resembled a lava lamp, to communicate with a very high signal-to-noise ratio. However, this approach is a significant gamble. If it works, it's spectacular, but if it fails, the failure is equally spectacular.

When giving a talk, violating expectations can make it memorable and stand out. Matt Abrahams suggests that while people should test boundaries, they should do so thoughtfully. He advises taking calculated risks by testing unconventional ideas with a few people first. This is similar to using humor; when it works, it's a great way to connect, but when it fails, it can create disconnection.

The goal is to move beyond purely theoretical or conceptual presentations and give the audience a tangible, visceral experience of the topic. This makes the information more engaging and impactful. Matt challenges people to think about different ways to present information beyond just detailing it.

So do something that violates an expectation but is in line with and supports the goal that you have.

This raises a question about authenticity. Should a speaker stick to their natural style, even if it's dry, or should they try to be more theatrical? While it's important to understand your personal strengths and what works for you, it's also crucial not to limit yourself. You can't discover new strengths or comfort levels without trying new things. Matt suggests that people should absolutely play to their strengths, but they must also explore what those strengths might be. The goal is to adapt and adopt new information to expand one's communication abilities, rather than only doing what one is already good at.

A story was shared about a student who had a complete public speaking meltdown during a practice talk. He froze, stopped talking, walked off stage, and eventually asked everyone to leave. It was a heavy moment, but the key part of the story is that he recovered. He got back in the room, went on the job market, and is now a tenured faculty member, demonstrating that even a total meltdown is not insurmountable.

For those who get nervous, having a physical outlet can be very effective for dispelling energy. This could be pacing or even bouncing one's knee behind a podium. When it comes to losing your train of thought on stage, audiences are often more forgiving than we think. Matt Abrahams advises against saying, "I forgot what I wanted to say." Instead, he suggests reframing the moment in a more positive light.

I get sometimes so passionate about what I say, I get a little ahead of myself.

Using a line like this is often true and serves as a good reason to reset without undermining your credibility.

To avoid blanking out during a presentation, the first step is to not memorize your speech. Instead, have a clear structure or roadmap. Matt Abrahams suggests rationalizing the fear of blanking out, which actually increases its likelihood. He recommends a two-step process for this rationalization. First, consider the actual likelihood of it happening. Most people estimate it's low, perhaps 20%, meaning there is an 80% chance it will not happen. Second, consider the worst-case scenario. It might be embarrassing or have short-term implications, but it is not a catastrophic event. By putting it into perspective, the stress associated with blanking out decreases, which in turn reduces the chance of it occurring.

If you do blank out, the best immediate action is to retrace your steps by repeating what you just said. This can often get you back on track. If that fails, another strategy is to distract your audience by asking them a question. This gives you a moment to think and regain your composure. Matt shares a personal example of what he says in this situation:

I want to pause for a moment and have you think about how what we've just discussed can be applied to your life.

While the audience ponders the question, he has a moment to figure out what to say next. The key is to not call attention to the mistake, similar to how nervous speakers should avoid announcing their nervousness, as it only primes the audience to notice it more.

This idea connects to the broader principle of contingency planning in communication. Just as you plan for potential issues on a vacation, you should think about what could go wrong during a presentation, like technology failing, and have a plan for how to respond. An example of extreme composure was a Stanford job candidate, Mark Zylka, who spilled water on his laptop during his talk. He calmly cleaned it up without saying a word and then seamlessly continued his presentation, which showcased his ability to handle pressure.

The ability to stand in silence in front of an audience demonstrates immense confidence. When people get nervous, their voice tends to rise into a higher register and they breathe shallowly. To counteract this, it's helpful to consciously slow down and try to drop your voice down further into your throat and chest to find a more natural tone.

Breathwork is a powerful tool for managing the anxiety that causes these physical reactions. When we get anxious, our breathing becomes shallow, and less air is pushed out faster. While a higher-pitched, faster voice can be appropriate for excitement, you want it to be under your control. Matt Abrahams explains that specific breathing techniques can still the whole body and allow a natural voice to emerge. The most effective method to calm down quickly is the physiological sigh: a double inhale followed by a long exhale. However, newer research shows that any breathing pattern that emphasizes the exhale will slow the heart rate. This is because exhaling offloads carbon dioxide and stimulates the vagus nerve, which directly helps lower your heart rate.

The rule of thumb, and the rule of lung, is you want your exhale to always be longer than your inhale to help you calm down.

This is especially important because most communication is spontaneous, not planned. We don't know what question someone will ask or if we'll even know the answer. A key mindset shift is to get comfortable with the discomfort of not knowing how a conversation will transpire. While some might consider beta blockers for anxiety, Matt advises against them for this purpose, noting his personal experience that they can make him feel fuzzy and less quick-witted. He suggests trying cognitive-behavioral methods first.

Matt Abrahams recommends treating a major communication event like a sporting event. This involves practicing good "communication hygiene" by eating well, sleeping well, and exercising. It is better to get a good night's sleep than to stay up cramming. He also advises against deviating from your standard caffeine protocol. Taking extra caffeine after a poor night's sleep can just make you more agitated during the presentation.

To improve sleep, especially when traveling, a few zero-cost tips can help. Unplug the hotel alarm clock and use your phone instead. Cover all bright lights in the room and place a towel by the door crack. An eye mask is also ideal, as is requesting a room away from the elevator.

The number one thing to recover from lost sleep is a practice called non-sleep deep rest (NSDR), also known as Yoga Nidra. This is a 10 to 30-minute practice involving long-exhale breathing and a body scan. The goal is to stay awake while your body is relaxed, which helps you learn to fall asleep more easily. This practice also has another key benefit for public speakers.

It also teaches you how to be very alert and very relaxed in your body at the same time. Which is a very valuable skill for a lot of different venues including public speaking.

The essence of NSDR is to move your brain from a state of "thinking and doing" to one of "being and feeling." It works because simply trying not to think is ineffective; you just end up thinking about not thinking. NSDR gives your brain a task—the focused body scan—which allows you to get out of your head.

A technique involving the vestibular system can help with falling asleep. With your eyes closed, slowly move your eyes from side to side, then up and down. Roll them counterclockwise, then clockwise, and finally, try to cross them slightly while exhaling. This sequence mimics the state needed for sleep by making you forget your body's position, which is a prerequisite for falling asleep. This is similar to why rocking helps babies and adults sleep; the motion distracts from the body's static position.

A similar preparatory technique can be used for public speaking. Matt Abrahams advises having a conversation with someone before any big presentation or keynote. He compares it to how athletes or musicians warm up before a performance, noting that speakers often neglect this step and try to go from silence to brilliance. A simple conversation helps bring focus, present orientation, and warms up the voice.

I am so amazed that anybody who does any athletics or music, you know, you should warm up first. But people don't warm up before they speak. They think they can go from silence to brilliance without it.

This conversational warm-up also involves turn-taking, which practices the skill of withholding speech. This can help prevent the nervous tendency to 'fire hose' information at an audience. Even in a presentation where you are the only one speaking, it's possible to create a dialogue. Matt suggests using physical, mental, and linguistic engagement. Asking the audience to 'imagine what it would be like' or 'picture this' creates a communicative exchange, turning a broadcast of information into an engaging dialogue, even if the audience isn't responding vocally.

Many people experience anxiety when asked to go around a room and introduce themselves. The anticipation builds as your turn gets closer, which can be a terrifying experience. A helpful strategy to manage this is to shift your focus away from yourself. Instead of worrying about what you will say, actively listen to what others are saying. Matt Abrahams suggests thinking of a question you could ask each person based on their introduction. This keeps you focused externally and prevents anxiety from escalating.

To make introductions more effective and less stressful, Matt offers a different framework. He advises against starting with your name. Instead, begin with something you are passionate or care about, and then state your name.

I'm somebody who's passionate about communication. My name's Matt Abrahams.

This approach has several benefits. First, it makes you stand out and be more memorable. Second, speaking about a passion allows you to use emotion and vocal inflection, which is difficult when just stating your name. Finally, it can help listeners, especially if you are a non-native speaker or have an accent. Hearing a sentence first primes their brain for how you speak, making it easier for them to understand and remember your name.

This principle of lowering the pressure extends to starting conversations in general. While a dog or a child can be a social bridge, they are not necessary. Matt shared a story of starting a conversation with a stranger in a buffet line simply by making an observation about the room. He noticed many people were wearing blue and asked, "Did I miss the memo about wearing blue?" This simple, low-stakes comment broke the ice and led to a lasting friendship. Being inquisitive and commenting on the shared environment is an effective way to initiate communication.

Simple interactions, like striking up a conversation during a work break, used to be more common. Today, phones often act as a pacifier, preventing these spontaneous engagements. Matt Abrahams suggests using the phone to invite interaction, such as sharing a cool picture or a funny meme, to counteract this tendency.

This leads to a strong recommendation for young people: get a job that involves interacting with people. Customer service roles are particularly valuable for developing communication skills. They teach you how to communicate with different types of people and how to be in service of their needs. Matt shares his own experience from his first job at an athletic club.

My first job and a job I had a lot during high school, I worked at an athletic club folding towels. And when people would come in, I would give them the towel and we'd have some small talk. It taught me to be very comfortable. I had to announce, 'The gym is closing in 30 minutes.' But as a high school student, I had to say that with a hundred people in the gym. That was nerve wracking. But that was part of my desensitization.

Being a camp counselor is another excellent example of a formative job. It forces young people into situations where they have little experience but must project confidence and take responsibility for others. This role teaches them to adapt their communication style, using their voice effectively to guide and ensure safety.

Opportunities to learn communication skills are changing. Matt Abrahams shares that he learned more about communication from teaching high schoolers for two years than from his time in the corporate world. Since these learning opportunities are becoming less common, we must find other ways to help people develop these skills.

One powerful method is to role model and openly discuss our own communication processes, especially with the younger generation or colleagues. This involves getting "meta" about communication. Instead of just having conversations, we can talk about how we prepare for them. There are valuable lessons to be passed along that often go unsaid.

I with my children will often say I have to have a difficult conversation tomorrow with a colleague or with a boss and I'm really worried about this or I'm thinking about saying it this way.

Even brilliant communicators had to learn and develop their skills over time. Asking successful communicators about their process—how they learned and what they do—can reveal a wealth of knowledge. Opening up these conversations can significantly help mentor and develop others.

The pandemic may have caused a generation of kids to miss a critical period for developing communication skills. High school, a key time for learning about oneself and communication, was shifted to screens. This meant losing a couple of years of the trial-and-error learning that is essential for social development. While these skills can be rebuilt, it created a unique struggle for a whole group of people.

Matt Abrahams points out that there are diverse and equally valid communication styles, highlighting the phenotype of being "quiet but not shy." He learned this from his graduate advisor and his father, whom he describes as the most intelligent person he's ever known. His father was very quiet but not shy, and when he did speak, it was often profound. This taught Matt that sometimes the most effective communication is simply to listen and be present.

We need diversity, not only of ideas and opinions, but diversity in the way we communicate. We hold in our culture this notion that the extroverted confident person is the right way to communicate. And that's not always true.

The cultural bias toward extroversion can be problematic, especially in the age of social media. Extroverts who speak before they think can get into trouble, as everything is often recorded. In contrast, younger generations have developed an impressive skill for managing their presence across many different platforms. Matt notes that while he coaches senior leaders on how to be mindful of their presence, this ability seems to come naturally to his students. It's an art and a skill to project oneself authentically but appropriately in various venues, both virtual and in-person.

Engaging in physical disciplines like martial arts can teach you how to be more comfortable in your body in a way that transfers to communication. Matt Abrahams, who has practiced martial arts for over 40 years, sees a strong connection between his practice and his professional skills. He explains that martial arts builds a presence and confidence that is invaluable in any situation. It's a form of communication in itself, requiring you to observe a partner, anticipate their next move, and be responsive without getting locked in.

As he has matured, Matt has come to appreciate the "art" side of martial arts, which is about expression, style, and connection. He believes everyone can benefit from a physical activity that helps them learn about themselves and how to connect with others. Simply viewing it as "exercise" may cause you to miss the full benefit. Instead, physical training can be a form of meditation and a great practice for cognitive pursuits.

Matt highlights how different training methods in martial arts mirror various forms of communication. This creates a kind of cross-training for developing communication skills.

In the style I train, there are things called katas or forms where it's essentially a pre-arranged dance of moves, everything is scripted. And then there are things called self-defense techniques where you practice certain moves. Each of those is training you a different way of thinking and being, just like there are different ways of thinking and being in communication. Sometimes it's completely spontaneous, sometimes I'm giving prepared remarks, sometimes it's Q&A where I'm saying some things I've prepared, but others I haven't.

When people, particularly women, apologize before sharing their opinions, it is often an attempt to connect. However, this can backfire. The way an interaction begins sets the tone for the entire exchange. Starting with an apology like, "I'm sorry," or, "I'm not prepared," immediately puts you in a subordinate position.

Instead, it's better to start with something you feel confident about. If an apology is genuinely needed for something you failed to do, it should come later in the conversation, not at the beginning. This same principle applies to public speaking. Speakers who begin by 'pre-apologizing' with excuses like being jet-lagged or having slept poorly are making a mistake. This tactic is meant to create a buffer in case of errors, but it has the opposite effect.

All you do in those circumstances is prime people to pay attention to whatever it is you're doing. So if I say I didn't sleep well, then people are going to be looking, 'Oh, he's stuttering over his words. He's stumbling.' You want people to focus on your message. Don't pre-apologize.

By highlighting potential weaknesses, you train the audience to look for them. The focus should be on the message. If a mistake happens, you can decide in the moment whether to address it or simply move on.

Culture and context are critical in all communication. Culture extends beyond country of origin to include different organizations, departments, and even generations. Therefore, messages must be tailored to the specific audience and their cultural context.

When communicating across different backgrounds, accents can be a factor. For non-native speakers, the primary goal should not be to sound like a native speaker, which is nearly impossible. Instead, the focus should be on effectively conveying the message. This can be achieved by reinforcing a point with a story, an example, or an analogy. The emphasis is on clarity, not on perfect syntax or vocabulary. Matt Abrahams notes that even many native English speakers do not speak the language perfectly.

To handle interruptions in a conversation, two main strategies are useful. First, set expectations upfront. For example, you can state that you'd like to spend the first five minutes presenting foundational information before taking questions. This establishes a boundary, making it easier to manage someone who interrupts. Second, use paraphrasing. This tool allows you to politely regain control of the conversation. If someone interrupts, you can paraphrase their point and then transition back to your topic. For instance, if interrupted with a point about cost, you could say, 'Cost is really important, and in fact...' and then continue. This technique is also effective for managing someone who is talking too much. Paraphrasing their point and moving on shows they've been heard while keeping the meeting on track. Failing to interrupt someone who is derailing a meeting can be ruder to the rest of the group than interrupting the individual speaker.

When preparing for a speech, the first step is to consider the audience. Speakers often suffer from the "curse of knowledge" and the "curse of passion," meaning they know and care so much about their topic that they can make incorrect assumptions or start too deep. It's crucial to think about what is important and relevant to the audience regarding the topic.

Next, establish a clear goal with three specific parts. Matt Abrahams explains this framework:

What do I want them to know, how do I want them to feel, and what do I want them to do?

With an audience and goal in mind, apply a structure to the information rather than just listing facts. Examples include problem-solution-benefit, past-present-future, or what-so what-now. Finally, practice the delivery to ensure the message lands effectively.

For those who fear public speaking, it's more helpful to focus on the desired positive outcome rather than the potential for failure. Many people envision the worst, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, imagine adding value or helping the audience learn something. A positive expectation can make a significant difference.

To navigate arguments without alienating someone, listening is the most important tool. Often, arguments dissolve when each person truly listens to the other's perspective. Another effective technique is for each person to declare how important the issue is to them. This prevents mismatched passion from escalating a minor disagreement.

If I want to go out to Chinese food, my wife wants to go out to Mexican food. I might say, for me, Chinese food is an 8, because I really have been craving it. She says, Mexican food for me is a three. Today, there's no fight. There's no argument. But if she says it's an eight and I say it's an eight, then we have the issue.

Matt Abrahams explains that filler words are not inherently bad; they serve useful functions. For instance, they can hold your place in a conversation so you are not interrupted, or signal that an important idea is coming next. This is why it can be frustrating when someone uses many filler words without delivering a key point. The goal is not total elimination, but to ensure they are not distracting. Screenwriters even add filler words to make dialogue sound more human.

To reduce distracting filler words, Matt suggests a breath technique from Jerry Weissman called "landing phrases." The principle is that you cannot speak while inhaling. By training yourself to end sentences completely out of breath, you are forced to inhale, which creates a natural pause and prevents you from using a filler word. It's like a gymnast sticking a landing. To practice, he advises reading your daily schedule aloud and landing each phrase by running out of breath at the end.

When it comes to storytelling, the key is to avoid turning it into a long sermon. Matt's mother has a useful saying:

Tell the time, don't build the clock.

Many people are "clock builders," providing far more detail than necessary. It is better to be concise and deliver the bottom line up front. Another technique is to "parachute in," jumping directly into the story's action rather than building up with a lengthy preamble. By parachuting in and being clear, your stories will be more engaging.

When asking for a raise, it is important to consider several factors. First, context matters. Matt Abrahams suggests looking at your boss's schedule. It might be better to schedule the meeting for a time when they are fresh rather than being their fifth consecutive meeting. He mentions a study on parole decisions which found that judges' rulings differed before and after lunch, even for similar cases. Second, position your request from your boss's perspective. Instead of listing your own accomplishments, focus on the value you have brought to them and the organization. Finally, you should practice the conversation by role-playing with others. This helps the words come out more naturally.

For communicating with people who are not naturally good at it, the key is to draw them out. Matt recommends leading with questions to get them talking about something important to them. Once they respond, it is crucial to give them space to continue.

My mother in law had a black belt in small talk. She was amazing. Every time she'd fly out to visit, she'd come off the plane with three new best friends. And her secret... were three words, 'tell me more.' Once somebody answers a question, give them that space to say more and that really draws them out.

On the topic of public speaking, Matt strongly advises against memorizing speeches. The most nerve-wracking part of a speech is typically the 30 seconds before starting and the first minute. While it is good to be very familiar with your opening, full memorization is detrimental.

The reason memorizing is so bad is it burdens your cognitive load. You've created the right way to say it and you're constantly comparing what you wanted to say to what you're actually saying.

Instead of memorizing, he suggests having a clear roadmap or structure. If there are specific words or data points you need to get across, it is better to read them from a notecard than to put the cognitive burden of memorization on yourself.

To manage anxiety related to public speaking or one-on-one communication, you must address both the symptoms and the sources. Symptoms are the physiological things you experience. For example, Matt Abrahams notes that when he gets nervous, he perspires and blushes because his heart rate increases. To counteract this, he cools his body down by holding something cold, as the palms of the hands are thermoregulators.

It is also crucial to address the sources that initiate anxiety. Often, the goal of the communication itself causes nervousness, such as fear of getting a bad grade, not securing funding, or not getting an idea approved. This anxiety stems from a potential negative future outcome. The solution is to become present-oriented. This can be achieved through deep breathing, walking around, or listening to a playlist like an athlete does. Another technique is to count backwards from 100 by a challenging number, like 17, which requires intense focus. Matt's favorite method is saying tongue twisters.

You can't say a tongue twister right and not be present oriented. And it warms up your voice. It's an opportunity to warm up.

By combining techniques that manage both symptoms and sources, you can create a personal anxiety management plan. The very act of having a plan can help reduce anxiety. Matt's students have found these plans useful for years after his class, applying them to high-stakes situations like delivering a eulogy or a best man toast.